Once upon a time, there were boys. They made up fifty percent of the Earth’s population, and everywhere you looked, they would appear. Boys roamed the planet with girls, and if there were women around, the amount of men nearby could, and almost always would, triple.

But, this tale isn’t about girls; it’s about the boys in their lives. This is the untold story of how girls truly feel about boyfriends, relationships with guys in general, and the qualities that separate the men from the boys. Follow as we take a trip through the confusing forests of relationships, and just through that other end is the castle, where your Prince Charming or Princess awaits.

When it comes to determining the knights in shining armor among the stable hands, one thing sets them apart – personal hygiene. Women would like boys in general to be clean. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness. Please shower on a regular basis - thanks, we’d really appreciate it. And when it comes to wardrobe, girls don’t expect your clothes to be expensive and fancy, because they aren’t shallow. But, we would appreciate it if your armor actually fit you, instead of hanging halfway off of your rear end.  It’s nice to see a man who can take care of himself. Of course, we love you for what’s on the inside, but we also love it when you take some extra effort to look your best for us.

We as princesses would also request that you take care of your bodies in the physical sense. Being healthy is important, and if you show us you care about your bodies, it means that you have your priorities straight – not caring about yourself shows you don’t care about anything else, either. You don’t have to be the next barbarian, but it impresses us when you implement exercise into your life. And what impresses us even more? Include us in your workouts! Staying healthy together is a good way to bond and strengthen (no pun intended) our relationship.

When it comes to physical appearance, ladies as a generalization prefer a prince who is clean-shaven. There are times when it’s appropriate (if you’re trying to start a career as a mountain man or you just returned from a weekend hunt) but for the most part women don’t like cuddling with a porcupine. Unless you’re Brad Pitt, you probably can’t pull it off anyways. We as future queens know that it’s a pride thing – you grow your beard to show dominance and to prove that you are manly enough to have facial hair to begin with. But we also like you to be presentable in society, and dating Sir Scruffy is not ideal.

Along with physical appearance, women have this general rule:  when it comes to your behavior, please PLEASE don’t share with us what you had to eat for lunch by belching repeatedly. Once or twice is excusable, but fifty times is toxic. Your bodily functions are less and less amusing the more we have to endure them. The same goes for farting, but less. The less princesses know about that, the better.  They are just not interested. These sorts of things are appropriate when you’re just hanging with the other knights, but we are your female counterparts and we would just like to imagine that your life is gas-free.

            Your hobbies and interests are things that we are interested in, however. We might not be die-hard jousting fans, but we don’t mind watching with you once in a while without complaining. You shouldn’t expect your significant other to start liking everything that you do, though, because it will NOT happen.  And we feel the same way - we have our interests, and you have yours. It’s okay to be different and have different tastes, just as long as there are some similarities in there too. After all, opposites attract!

Quality time together allows knights and ladies-in-waiting to develop their hobbies together, and to see what sorts of things they have in common with each other. So, let’s spend some time together. Please? We love being with you. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be dating you. Courting is like hanging out with your best friend but with more romance involved. So take us out to do something, because we like to get out and try new things. We might be deathly afraid of that giant spider in the corner, but we definitely have a sense of adventure.

Don’t worry about impressing us, because we’re already with you. Going on dates doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, and we don’t expect you to whip out your scepter or bag of gold coins every time we want to do something. As long as we’re together us ladies don’t care what we’re doing. Stargazing, picnics, taking a walk, and just relaxing with friends…it’s the simple things that matter.

            We like being with you all the time, but we need time for our ladies maid’s, and you need to be with the Knights of the Round Table, too. Hanging out with your guy friends is encouraged, and as long as you let us know ahead of time that you have plans with the guys, we don’t care. Women love seeing their boyfriend with their family and friends, because it means that they have their priorities straight. Friends are important - don’t forget about them! They’ve been there for everything, from that time you got food poisoning on the trip to Camelot, or when your pet snake ‘slithered off’ while you were away at jousting camp. Try to balance the time you spend with them and us, otherwise you’ll have some unhappy best buddies.

Including us in your plans with the other knights will win you big-time brownie points. Women want to know how you interact in your friend circles while in a relationship. Approval from both ends is very important. It’s crucial to us to have our girlfriends like you, so you should be on your best behavior because the approval of them can heavily influence our decision on whether to behead you around or not. The same goes with your friends. We want your buddies to like us, so we can stick around.

Meeting your friends is nothing in comparison to meeting the King and Queen for the first time. This is the part that makes all girls nervous. It’s like meeting the friends, only ten times worse because it’s really the family’s opinion that can make your relationship sink or swim. If the family hates the princess, then your relationship is almost always in deep trouble. So, be supportive and sympathetic. Help us to relax by telling us stories about your family, and giving us hints on how to fit in. If Duke Jerry likes pineapples, let us know so we can get him one as a gift. If Lady Susie had a bad experience with the color red, warn us so we don’t wear it.  By helping us to know the ins and outs of your family, we’ll feel much more at ease when the time comes to meet them.

            We’ll do the same for you, as well, because we want our relationship to work. If you’re meeting each other’s families, it’s kind of a big deal. Princesses love their family, they love watching you with your family, and they would do anything to fit in with them. Meeting the family is similar to a job interview, except it lasts for hours with people you potentially could be related to for the rest of your life.

            After you made it through all the twists and turns of the forest of relationships, you’ve finally arrived at the castle where the beautiful princess or handsome prince awaits. With these helpful ideas and informative facts about how women felt, the knights were able to leave their tool days behind to form healthy relationships without hurting their chances with the ladies in the future, and the princesses were capable of giving them that chance. And they all lived happily ever after.

The End