My wife has threatened to call social services on me if I ever decide to implement some of my theories on parenting. I said to her that I was flattered and was certain social services could learn a lot from me.

For example, I have this idea that parenting is a lot like the free market. When businesses compete for your money, you get the best service available at the best price possible.

Likewise, children should compete for their parent’s love. If you’re a parent like me, you know that there’s a limit on how much you can love. And, because there’s a high demand from children for the love of their parents, you can bet that they will be willing to compete for it.

On FHE days, instead of having a board that lists who’s going to pray, share the scripture and provide refreshments, I’m going to have a ranking board that lists my favorite child to my least favorite. It’s kind of like a Dow Jones Industrial average for love.

In this way, my children will always know where they stand with me. The top child will, of course, have more privileges than the other children. And, the bottom child will have more punishments. You know, the normal punishments: smaller food portions, more chores, constant looks of disapproval and disappointment, and of course the obligatory, “Why couldn’t you be more like your brother/sister” statements.

If the free market is good enough for America, the land I love, why couldn’t it work for families? Not to mention, when you give children privileges they didn’t earn, they begin to feel a sense of entitlement. They lose perspective on what it means to really work for something. And, they lose the pride that comes with achievement. They just come to expect everything for free.

I don’t know any parent who loves their children freely.

Medical care is a perfect example. With the rising costs of healthcare these days, what better incentive is there for children than to compete for it? Say you have three kids; the best thing to do is to purchase health plans for the top two children. Basically what you’re doing here is using the time proven economic principle of scarcity. By making an essential resource limited, you can bet your children are going to do everything within their power to make certain they can get that vaccine for polio.

Some of you are probably saying, “C’mon, as a parent, if your child gets sick you’re going to do everything within your power to make sure they get better.”

This is true. But what you also need to do is constantly remind your child that even when they didn’t deserve to be taken to the emergency room, you took them anyway. This is how they will learn how much you really love them.

Another idea I had for loving and effective parenting is to keep your children in constant fear of the boogieman. Growing up, my mother would threaten me and tell me that if I didn’t eat my rice, the boogieman would come to get me. This was effective at first, but over time, when the boogieman wouldn’t show up, the threat lost its inherent power. But, imagine if she had just taken it a step further.

Imagine this, you tell your child that if they don’t eat their rice the boogieman will get them when they sleep. That night, after they’re fast asleep, you go to your closet, you put on the gorilla suit you bought at the D.I. for $10.95, and you march yourself into your child’s room and you scare them. You scare them until they wet their pants.